Thursday, January 13, 2011

Wanting to be two more steps down the road...

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

This has always been my struggle.
For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with contentment in being exactly where I am right now.
When I was single, I wanted a boyfriend.
When I had a boyfriend, I wanted to be engaged.
When I was engaged, I wanted to be married.
Now that I'm married, I want to be a mom.

When I was in high school, I wanted to be in college.
When I was in college, I wanted to be in my career.
Now that I'm in my career, I want to be retired (I kid...I kid....kinda.)

It's miserable living this way!
I can assure you that!

I read through my diary in high school and college the other day and it was just sad! Every entry was about how much I wanted to be married to Mr. Free. About how jealous I was of those around me getting married. It consumed me.
I didn't let God show me the blessings of living in that moment in time.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

Lately, I have really been struggling with motherhood. Seeing those around me with children or pregnant felt like being stabbed right in the heart.
I was bitterly jealous.
I had many conversations with God asking, "Why do they get such a blessing and not me?!"
I cried myself to sleep because I felt so empty.

Those stings of jealousy are still there, but I am placing our family's future in God's hands.
Though I truly do not understand this path He has created for us, I know it is for His glory.
If this is the best He has for me, why would I want to be anywhere else?

As I strive to live in the moment and not two more steps down the road, I am learning to stop, look around and see the blessings of right now.

Right now, I am married to my best friend.
Right now, we are both in the careers we love.
Right now, we have a roof over our head.
Right now, we are financially stable.
Right now, we have the cutest pets on the planet.
Right now, we have the blessing of so many godly brothers and sisters supporting us.
Right now, we have our families.

So, for right now, I am making goals for the me right now. Not the 'hopefully soon pregnant me' or the 'me with a newborn'. No, the me right now.

So Mr. Free and I are taking a step back to really enjoy the two of us.
We are trying to get our bodies as healthy as possible.
We are enjoying our time together.
We are planning our trip to Europe. Which we know wouldn't be feasible if we had kids.
Enjoying the blessings of the two of us.

Those of you who are reading and have a longing in your heart, understand that longings are good!
God is placing in your heart desires for your life!
But obsessing and dwelling on those things that aren't yet to be is not the best He has for you.
You are right where you are for a reason.
And I need that reminder every day.

"A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit. Proverbs 15:13

If you are struggling in this same area, I highly recommend reading through the books of Proverbs and Ecclesiastes. They have been my source of wisdom as I struggle through this area in my life.


  1. Hi Jenny,
    I recently discovered your blog, and I am so enjoying reading your posts. I am recently married, and I definitely aspire to be a more organized homemaker - your blog is a wonderful inspiration for me!

    I am so sorry you are having difficulty conceiving. You are right about this being God's special plan for your family. Hang in there! It sounds like you have a lot to look forward to in 2011. :)

  2. Hey Rachel, thanks for reading! Congrats on your new marriage! It's such an exciting time!

  3. Jenny you have spoken straight into the center of my heart. I too am really struggling with the longing to be a mom and share a similar past of always wanting to be on the step ahead of where I am.

    Thanks for your always transparent words of wisdom, they've meant a great deal to me tonight.

  4. Awww Whitney. I'll definitely be praying for you! I completely understand how hard it is, and what a hinderance it can be in my walk with the Lord. Praying for peace and contentment for both of us!

  5. I think you put this great! And I think that it's something everyone struggles with. I have a baby, but I want a lot more than one baby. Plus, I'd like a house and to no longer live in Utah. But hey, I'll only be living here in a one-bedroom apartment for a little longer! Which means I'm gonna enjoy it!

  6. Lissa- a one-bedroom apartment is a lot less to clean! Savor it!

  7. I love your blogs Jenny!
    This one hit me hard though. I know how hard it is to be content. You have such a good attitude about it though. I have a similar pain because it has been just Kaylee and I for what feels like so long now and I wanted a husband so badly. It was especially bad when I was pregnant and watching everyone get married. Now that I have a serious relationship, I wish I had done things differently. Adding a child to a relationship is so complicated. I am very blessed by my daughter and by this man, but sometimes I let my battle with contentment take over. I get so wound up and tense and Ben has tells me to breathe out. Eventually he and I will get this all lined out, but until then...its an adventure.
    You and Brian have a beautiful relationship and I admire you both.

  8. Jennifer- Thank you!
    Sara- Thank you for your sweet words! That really means a lot! Sometimes its just comforting knowing that other people struggle with the same thing. I'll be praying for you as you deal with this same issue!


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