Friday, February 25, 2011

Six Months

It's been six months since I had to write this post.
It's been the hardest six months of my life.

Six months ago today we found out our sweet baby was in Heaven.
I was hoping at this point, I'd be happily expecting again.
But the Lord has had other plans.

The last six months have been so hard.
It is so hard to with every fiber of your being want something so bad, then to get it, and then have it taken away.
I know I am not the only person to ever experience the loss of someone or something they love.

2 months ago, on my birthday I received the best gift I could think of.
A positive pregnancy test.
3 days later, that was gone too.

I feel like my body is broken.
I feel like I'm not good enough.
If God grants 16 year olds precious children, then I surely must not be good enough for Him to grant me a child.

I know in my heart of hearts thats not true, but these are the things that go through my mind every day.

I know I am only viewing eternity from my limited perspective now.
I know God has great plans for Mr. Free and I.
I know God has laid on my heart to minister to other women who have experienced similar events.
I know He has grown me into a stronger woman through these experiences.
I know Mr. Free and I have grown so close over the last 6 months.
I know my God is a good, loving God with the best plan for me imaginable.

But, in my humanity, and my weakness, I am broken.

"Hope deferred makes a heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."
Proverbs 13:12

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