Thank You

Thank you so much for the comments, e-mails, facebook messages and prayers.

Mr. Free and I have truly felt the power of prayer.

We have been so blessed by the support we have received from so many people.

An incredibly thoughtful co-worker surprised me with these Wall Words this past week. She thought they were just the message we needed, and I couldn't agree more.

Mr. Free hung it up on our bedroom so that this message of hope will be the last thing we see at night and the first thing we see when we wake up in the morning!

Mr. Free and I will be meeting with a Fertility Specialist tomorrow to begin testing and hopefully diagnosing a problem that has lead to our miscarriages.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared and nervous for what could lie ahead.

As weird as it is, I am also strangely excited.

Mr. Free and I have always felt called to be parents.

We had always had interest in both biological and adopted children.

At this point, we are unsure of which way God is leading us, or whether it will be both!

We are just praying for very clear direction.

I never would have thought that I would be so open about trying to conceive a healthy child, but I pray that my transparency will be nothing but an encouragement to others.

I know I am not alone, and pray that through my openness on the situation and its struggles that I could be a blessing and encouragement to other women experiencing this extremely difficult path.

If you would, please continue to pray for Mr. Free and I as we begin this new path to parenthood tomorrow. Please pray for us to have strength, comfort and peace. Please pray for a clear problem and an easy solution. But most of all, pray for our hearts to be receptive to the path the Lord has planned for us.

I'm here.

Sorry for the unexpected break.

Life has been hard lately.

A little over a week ago, we got a positive pregnancy test.

But, our first few betas weren't doubling like they should.

I've spent the last week researching every glimmer of hope I could in the situation.

Today I started to miscarry.

Our 3rd miscarriage in 6 months.

We are obviously heartbroken and confused.

Today I have just been in a fog thinking through our various options.

Are we ever going to be biological parents?

We have an appointment scheduled in 2 weeks with a reproductive endocrinologist.

We are going to have to go through intensive testing to see why we keep losing our babies.

I pray we get some answers.

And I pray they are an easy fix.

Like most insurances, ours doesn't cover any infertility treatments.

And we really do not have the funds to pursue them.

Or adoption.

I feel like parenthood is out of our reach.

*sigh*

I keep telling myself that I am right where God wants me.

It's hard.

Very hard.

But He is here with me and I am here for a reason.

As much as I want to be a mother right now, if thats not His plan, then I don't want to be anywhere else.

I know God will use us.

I know He *is* using us.

We could really use your prayers.

This is a very dark time for us right now.

And 'success' stories are appreciated as well.

Writing Letters

My generation (as a whole) kind of missed the whole 'letter writing' thing.

By the time I was sixteen most teenagers had Instant Messenger (I'm dating myself here...), Xangas, and cell phones.

Nowdays between Facebook, blogs and texting, written communication is pretty much limited to paying bills and the occasional Thank You card.

But I'm hoping to change that.

For myself at least.

May convert a few of you.

I made it one of my personal goals (101 in 1001) to write notes to people weekly.

I know that receiving a handwritten note means much more than a text or Facebook message (though these are encouraging as well!)

But it shows I was worth the money it took to buy that note and the time it took to hand write out that heartfelt message.

I want to use that to bless others around me.

For Valentine's Day, I wanted to write my sweetie a note, so I purchased these recycled blank note cards at Target for a mere $3.99.

I've stationed them on our desk in a handy spot so that weekly I will be inclined to sit down and write a little note of encouragement to someone that needs it.

Plus they are a pretty darn cute desk accessory!

So Readers....do you write hand written notes?

If so, how often?

If you don't, would you join my challenge in writing notes of encouragement to people around you!

I know both you and they will be blessed by it!

Baking

This past weekend I had such a great time baking with some friends from church.

A couple at our church used to own a Great Harvest Bread Company.

I was raised on that bread, and when I learned that this couple used to own one, I knew I had to learn from them!

So a few of us girls from church met at their house and learned a ton!

And ate the best bread ever!

We started the afternoon by grinding our own wheat.

Yeah....never done that before.

One of the girls owns a wheat grinder and man, that made awesome flour!

We then made a Challah dough and a Whole Wheat dough.

We used a 'sponge' method for the dough, which was totally new to me.

Basically you mix the 'wet' ingredients together with part of the flour, let it sit and the yeast do its thing for 30-40 min, then add in the rest of the flour and salt. Then continue the regular process.

The Challah dough was very versatile.

And it doesn't need to be kneaded.

Even better.

They said the Challah dough makes perfect cinnamon rolls.

We made a 'savory roll' with fresh pesto and parmesan.

It was incredible.

Probably the two greatest things I learned from it was:

1. You don't need fat. No butter or oil is needed. That shocked me!

2. The ideal temperature for your dough is between 80 and 82 degrees. It was suggested to bump up your heat when making bread, and to take temps of all the ingredients. If your ingredients are running a little cool, make the water a bit warmer. If the ingredients are warm, make the water cooler. Genius.

At the end of the day, we all left with a loaf of Challah and a loaf of Whole Wheat.

For dinner we all dined on soup, salad, and our 'savory rolls'.

I wish I took more pictures, but my hands were covered in dough and flour for a good portion of the day.

We made them promise to do this again soon.

Especially when I learned that they have an awesome soft pretzel recipe....

This couple at church is not a couple I knew very well. They are around my parents age and it was amazing to learn from them and to hear their wisdom.

I strongly encourage you to get to know an older generation of people and learn from them.

I know as a wife I can learn so much about marriage, family and running a home from someone a few steps down the road!

Six Months

It's been six months since I had to write this post.

It's been the hardest six months of my life.

Six months ago today we found out our sweet baby was in Heaven.

I was hoping at this point, I'd be happily expecting again.

But the Lord has had other plans.

The last six months have been so hard.

It is so hard to with every fiber of your being want something so bad, then to get it, and then have it taken away.

I know I am not the only person to ever experience the loss of someone or something they love.

2 months ago, on my birthday I received the best gift I could think of.

A positive pregnancy test.

3 days later, that was gone too.

I feel like my body is broken.

I feel like I'm not good enough.

If God grants 16 year olds precious children, then I surely must not be good enough for Him to grant me a child.

I know in my heart of hearts thats not true, but these are the things that go through my mind every day.

Every.day.

I know I am only viewing eternity from my limited perspective now.

I know God has great plans for Mr. Free and I.

I know God has laid on my heart to minister to other women who have experienced similar events.

I know He has grown me into a stronger woman through these experiences.

I know Mr. Free and I have grown so close over the last 6 months.

I know my God is a good, loving God with the best plan for me imaginable.

But, in my humanity, and my weakness, I am broken.

"Hope deferred makes a heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

Proverbs 13:12

Dilemna Update

Well, we spoke with our friends from 'across the pond' and as it turns out, they are coming HERE for most of the summer!

With that in mind, we have (I think...) settled on making a domestic trip to see them and finishing the basement!

I am uber excited to get started on this project!

Although decorating is last on the LONG list of to-do's when finishing a basement, I can't help but look...

Here are a few of my current favorites:

eclectic media room design by philadelphia home staging Busybee Design

eclectic family room design by new york interior designer Tara Seawright

eclectic family room design by portland interior designer Garrison Hullinger Interior Design Inc.

I love the coziness of these rooms and the splashes of color!

The space will be 500 sq. feet, and here is on my list:
- An actual laundry space
- A storage room
- Canned lighting
- Carpet (as much as I love our hardwoods, I'm excited for some soft, fluffy carpet!)
- Big comfy entertaining area
- Comfy sectional with our existing couch
- New TV and entertainment center
- Bookshelves to create a mini-library

I'm excited to get my hands dirty with my hubby and make a beautiful space to share with our family and friends!

So...have any of you finished off your basement yourselves?

If you were to finish your basement...what would be on your list of 'must haves'?

Homemade Whole Wheat Tortillas with Flaxseed

As I've been trying more and more to make our own bread, this week I ventured into tortilla making.

It's so easy!

Here's what you need:

2 c. whole wheat flour

1 tsp. salt

1/4 c. shortening (could use lard or butter)

3/4 c. water

Sprinkle of flax seed

One

Measure your dry ingredients into a bowl

Two

Add in your shortening

and mix til crumbly

Three

Add in water and let your mixer do the hard work. Let it knead at a medium speed for a couple of minutes.

Four

Your dough should look like this

Five

Divide dough into eight balls

Let balls rest for 10 minutes covered with a tea towel.

Six

Make sure you have a hot skillet

Seven

Roll out each ball to a very thin circlish figure

Homemade tortillas definitely *look* homemade in my kitchen...

Eight

Place tortilla onto hot skillet, cooking each side until you see bubbles. Then flip.

Nine

Tada! Hot, fresh, healthy-ish tortillas!

Ole'!

Have you ever made homemade tortillas?

Are you going to give it a try?

Which one?

Mr. Free and I have a dilemma.

A good dilemma.

With both of us working now, Mr. Free and I have been saving up for 1 of 2 things.

And we can't decide which 'thing'.

Option 1:

Sometime this summer take 2-3 weeks to go to Europe. We have good friends who live in England, so we would see them, then take an additional week or 2 to travel all around Europe. Possibly a Mediterranean cruise, if the budget would allow. This would be great timing since we do not yet have children, so we would be free to go where we please without a restricted schedule. Who knows what the next summer will bring...

Our friends from England MAY be coming to the States this summer, so we thought about visiting them while they are here this summer, then going across the pond next summer...

Option 2:

Finish our basement. It would definitely be DIY which would be a blast! We have such little room to entertain upstairs and finishing downstairs would give us an additional 500 square feet for a big family room. We love having people over so this would be fabulous. We also think it'd be much easier to accomplish before kids and would be a great feature to have with kids. We plan to be in our home another 5 or so years, so the sooner we do it, the more we can enjoy it. Plus it'd be something fun and productive we could work on together this summer.

We can't do both.

We really want to, but can't.

We haven't made up our minds....if you were us, which one would you choose?

Fog

One day this past week it was incredibly foggy outside.

As Mr. Free and I drove to the gym at 5:40 a.m. we could barely see 30 ft in front of us.

It was scary, as things right in front of us would appear out of nowhere suddenly.

The fog was that thick.

However, we could see directly in front of us, so as long as we were cautious to our current surroundings, we were fine.

This is just like how my life is right now, I thought.

See, sometimes God gives us a clear view of the path in front of us.

We see exactly where He is leading and where He is wanting to take us.

But, there are times where we can't see that path.

Sometimes God makes our path foggy and that is where we have to solely rely on Him.

This is exactly where I am at in life.

I can't see the next turn in the road.

I can't see whether life is turning into a peak or a valley.

I can just see where I am at, and the step right in front of me.

Just as our cars headlights illuminated the next few feet ahead, God is showing me just enough of the path to take the next step.

I have no idea the future for me and Mr. Free, as God currently has our path in a fog.

But through this fog, I am learning to trust.

It is easy to have faith when we have a crystal clear view of the future, but you have to trust when the next steps are unseen.

My God is a good God, and the path He has for us is for His glory and our good.

Reading His Word is also how He gives illumination to the path that He has for us.

Your Word is a lamp unto my feet and a guide unto my path.

Psalm 119:105

I pray that whether your path is clear or foggy, that you are learning to trust God and His path for your life, like He is doing with me.

Breakfast: Overnight Oats

This is my new favorite breakfast.

And it is uber easy.

And it's clean.

Bonus.

Here's what you need for the 'base':

1/3 c. Greek Yogurt

1/3 c. Oats (just regular ol' oats)

1/3 Milk (or soy/almond milk)

Mix this all up in a tupperware and set in the fridge the night before you want to eat it.

The oats will absorb all the liquid and soften!

Then, add in any fun extras!

Here's my standard:

Almond Meal

Wheat Germ

Flaxseed

Local Raw Honey

Whole Foods Peanut Butter

It is soooo good.

It seriously *almost* tastes like a peanut butter shake.

That you eat with a spoon.

For breakfast.

It is super filling and filled with all sorts of good stuff!

Can I talk to you about the peanut butter?

If you have never had Whole Foods freshly ground Honey Roasted Peanut Butter, you haven't lived.

Source

It is so delicious, you could just eat it straight from the tub.
You must try it.

But for overnight oats, you can get creative!

Another combo I like is the 'base', plus wheat germ, flax seed, almond meal, apple pie spice and apple butter!

Tastes like apple pie!

I've heard of others doing the 'base' plus pumpkin pie spice and canned pumpkin!

Or you could add peanut butter and jelly!

The combinations are endless!

But it truly is a filling, delicous, healthy breakfast!

Have you ever tried them?