Thankful

Today is Pregnancy & Baby Loss Remembrance Day.

A day I wish didn't exist.

I wish every positive pregnancy test ensured a healthy baby.

That pregnancy would be full of joy and anticipation.

That all baby's are born healthy and get to live a happy life.

But many of us know the cruel reality.

The dropping HCG levels.

The silent face of the technician during a sonogram.

The many heavy decisions to make.

The calls of telling loved ones the terrible news.

The sleepless night sobbing and wondering what could've been.

The feeling of helplessness.

The disappointment in your own body.

The surgeries.

The doctor's appointments.

The tucking away of cute baby things that bring too much sorrow to look at.

I also know we have a loving God. A Father who loves us.

That we do not know the plans He has for us. And for our children as well.

The year that we lost 3 pregnancies and underwent infertility testing and treatments were the darkest months I have yet to encounter.

I felt so alone. So isolated.

I felt incredible sorrow and jealousy.

I felt doubt and confusion.

But through it all...though I did not understand, I knew God was good and He had a plan.

That was my rock that kept me going.

It's been nearly 3 years since that very dark time.

The Lord has since blessed me with my sweet little boy.

I am thankful each and every day to have experienced a healthy pregnancy and getting to mother my son.

Motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

It has grown me in so many ways.

I am not the same woman I was prior.

But I am thankful.

I am thankful that no matter where my life would be now,

whether I would still have empty arms and a broken heart,

or a home full of children.

My God is good.

And for that I am thankful.

My Cardboard Testimony

On Easter Sunday, our church presented "cardboard testimonies". 

If you've never seen these, you can check it out here.

(have your tissues ready!)

It's incredibly powerful to see how God has used so many people in what could seem to be hopeless, scary and depressing situations.

We participated in sharing one little piece of God's work in our lives.

Here is what our cardboard said

I've spoken about our fertility issues a lot on this little blog.

But looking back on that year, it was only by God's grace that I got through it with any sort of sanity.

I was very depressed, anxious and plain old scared.

I also dealt with jealousy and doubting.

I am so, so thankful for the other side of that cardboard.

No matter what the outcome would have been, God IS faithful.

I am so eternally grateful for the gift of our son.

I am grateful for the opportunity to minister to women who may be experiencing something similar.

Without this testimony, I wouldn't have nearly the opportunities to share about God's goodness.

Over the last few days, I started to think of other cardboards I could have created.

God has done some incredible things through me, even when times were uncertain.

********************

**************

I am so thankful God has worked in such wondrous ways in my life, and know He will continue to do so.

I strive to be transparent so that others can see how He works.

And thank you Lord, for the other side of these cardboards.

What would your cardboard say?

How has God worked in ways that seemed impossible and hopeless?

God is so good!

An answer

I had my CD3 baseline sonogram today with the RE to go ahead and begin a medicated TTC cycle.

Everything looked fine and I will begin the Femara tomorrow.

But on my way out, I thought I'd ask the nurse if she knew my endometrial biopsy results.

I told her I hadn't heard anything, so I assumed no news was good news.

She told me to head into the Dr.'s office and he would discuss it with me.

He pulled out my chart and evidently I have a luteal phase defect. We did the endometrial biopsy on CD 21, but the lining only dated at CD 16.

This, he said *could* be the reason behind my miscarriages.

He said the way to "fix" this problem is the plan he already had in place. Femara and Prometrium.

Evidently, some women produce lower quality follicles, which result in lower quality eggs. These eggs rarely are able to be fertilized, and if they do, they usually do not sustain. These lower quality follicles cause the body to not produce enough progesterone to sustain a pregnancy.

So.... the Femara (which I begin tomorrow) should produce better quality follicles and eggs and the Prometrium should beef up my lining enough to support a healthy pregnancy!

As weird as it is, this made me SO happy!!!!

I have been in a pretty major funk since the testing ended. I was relieved it was over, but was very disappointed to not have any answers and feared that we would just have loss after loss.

Now, I'm feeling *much* more hopeful!

God is good!!!

So, if you are the praying type, please be praying for us this cycle that things will go well and if the Lord wills it, will result in a healthy pregnancy and take-home baby!

On a related note, we are now currently battling Blue Cross/Blue Shield as they are flagging all of my miscarriage/hormone treatment as Infertility and refusing to cover it. We are appealing this, but the bills are coming in and they are NOT cheap! It's a bit overwhelming, but we'd appreciate prayers on this as well, that God will provide and sustain us through this financial hurdle, however it may be resolved.

Thank you all so much for your support through our journey. It truly has helped lift my spirit day after day!

The Plan, Stan

*sigh*

The testing is over!

Immediatly following the biopsy last Wednesday, the RE pulled us into his office and went ahead and formed a plan based on all the testing so far for the next 2 cycles.

So far, all tests have come back normal.

I'm not sure whether to be thankful, or not.

I'm glad everything is fine, but I wish we could've found a problem and insure we fix it for next time.

But he said that with this plan, it'll make everything from "good" to "great".

So, for the next 2 cycles we will:

CD 3 Baseline scan

Make sure everything is looking good internally to medically ovulate

CD 3-7 5 mg Femara

This will cause me to ovulate and make a better quality egg. The risk of multiples is around 10%, which is much lower than Clomid, the most popular ovulation medication. Femara is becoming more popular as it usually only produces 1 very healthy follicle, versus multiple follicles and helps build up your lining vs. Clomid that tends to thin it out

CD 10- 20 Digital Ovulation Predictor Kits

(Clear Blue Easy Digital- with the smiley faces!)

CD 12 Mid-cycle scan

This will show that I am in fact producing a healthy follicle

7 days after ovulation, begin 200 mg Prometrium

For 10 days, if pregnant, keep on until 11 weeks pregnant, if negative, discontinue use. (Prometrium is progesterone which will build up the lining and increase the chance of good implantation)

Whew.

I thought after testing I'd feel light as a feather. But now that we are looking to be "trying" again, I'm terrified. I'm worried about not "doing enough". I'm worried that we will somehow still lose another baby.

For some reason, I had it in my mind that if I went through all the testing, I'd somehow be guaranteed my healthy baby, but I'm suddenly realizing there is no such promise.

The RE said if we aren't pregnant in 2 cycles or have another miscarriage, we will do laproscopy surgery to look for endometriosis. I truly do not have believe I have that as I've had 0 symptoms.

The RE also said he didn't want to persue Baby Aspirin or extra Folic Acid at this time. If needed, down the road we can look into this but he is confident with this plan.

Please just pray for us if you will.

One, for peace and comfort during this next chapter. That we can fully trust God and his good plan despite the outcome. But we truly pray for our take-home-baby this time!

I just keep studying Phill. 4, specifically verse 6.

I'm striving to not be anxious and give all my concerns to Him.

He is above statistics. He is above modern medicine.

He is in control.

Second, for financial assistance. We were told that insurance should cover the testing, as it was diagnostic. However, we got our first insurance statement and somehow it was labeled as "infertility" which would mean totally out-of-pocket. So last month could cost thousands of dollars. Plus this next month or 2 would be even more. I left a message at the RE's office asking if it can be re-coded and haven't heard back yet. I'm prepped to fight either the billing dept or insurance, but just pray that the Lord will provide in whatever way necessary.

I never thought this road to motherhood would be so bumpy, but I just care about arriving at the destination. : )

INSANE past 24 hours...

Here's the recap.

Yesterday I was scheduled for my endometrial biopsy at 3.

I was very nervous about this procedure, since when you google about it, it is always described as "horrific torture".

So, I went in to work for a half day and was a nervous wreck.

I left at noon and went home to take my Valium at one. Doc said to take it 2 hours in advance.

I get home, let the doggies out, take my Valium and lay down as it made me sleepy.

I wake up and then go outside to water the flowers and notice I didn't see the dogs on the deck.

I then look over and see the gate we rarely use wide open.

So here I am, Valiumed up, in panic mode.

Weird feeling.

I just start running around the neighborhood, thinking of their usual spots.

Mr. Free gets home and we frantically look, but know we have the appointment in 20 minutes.

We had to go.

I'm a sobbing mess.

I'm imagining the worst scenarios with my dogs and know I'm about to be tortured in my most sensitive areas.

Thank the Lord for the Valium because I can't IMAGE how I'd be without that!

The procedure takes like 5 minutes.

It hurts.

Worse than the HSG.

My cervix wasn't cooperating. Was tight as a drum. Had to dilate and clamp it. Taking the sample HURT. I squeezed Mr. Free's hand, started crying and just prayed for my sweet little doggies.

I start feeling light-headed and nauseated, but luckily that's as far as it went.

I laid on the table for a few minutes to gain composure, but knew that it was precious time in finding my pups.

We had called animal control and rushed home to put of signs and patrol the area looking for them and talking to everyone we saw.

No one saw a thing.

I looked up different articles about finding lost dogs.

We tried every database, craigslist, facebook, etc.

I also read that the chance of finding a lost dog is 16%.

And we had 2.

I was devastated.

I cried and sobbed thinking we lost them forever.

I slept in the guest room, which is closest to the backyard with the window open praying Id hear their barks.

Nope.

I woke up this morning a sobbing mess again, a nervous wreck then got sick because I was so worked up.

And then I was supposed to go teach children.

Joy.

BUT people suggested calling the local vet. On our way to work Mr. Free called the biggest vet in the city and they said someone came in last night saying they found 2 basset hounds.

IT WAS THEM!!!

They dropped them by this afternoon and we are SO thankful to have them home!!!

We went out and got a lock for our gate and got them new shiny collars.

Our testing is now over and we have a plan.

I'll update on that next post.

But life is looking up!

I'm ready to relax!

CD 12: Mid Cycle Scan

First of all, I just want to say how humbled I am in the way the Lord is working in my life.

God has brought so many wonderful women into my life through this trial I am enduring.

Many women are broken and experiencing miscarriages or infertility.

Some women have healthy children but have been an incredible encouragement to me, though they cannot even relate to this situation.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, prayers, emails and messages.

I have shed many tears just over how encouraged and loved I feel by the sisters around me.

I have strived to be very transparent through out everything, because I know that hearts aren't connected through false perfection. Through trials and reality can connections be made. I pray that God will continue to use me as a woman that others feel they can come too if they face anything similar to what I have experienced.

On to today:

The Mid Cycle Scan showed everything being normal.

I am gearing up to ovulate with ol' lefty and my endometrial layer looked great.

He said my ovulation looked "good" but once I'm cleared he will make it look "great".

I keep interpreting that to mean we will possibly have a medically induced ovulation?

I'm not sure.

We will discuss it after all the tests are run.

The next/final test is the oh-so-dreaded endometrial biopsy.

I spoke to the nurse about it and she said she doesn't like those.

I asked her that with Valium if it'll be better.

She stopped in her tracks.

"The doctor prescribed you Valium?"

I told her, yes he did.

She asked "Really?"

"Yes....."

"He NEVER prescribes Valium for anyone. You must really be special."

Try frantic lunatic, but whatever works!

She said with the Valium itll be a breeze! She said that at the moment of taking out the endometrial layer it creates severe cramping, but it literally lasts a few seconds and between the Valium and ibuprofen Ill do just fine.

Phew!

I've never taken Valium before.... Ive heard it makes you "drunk" feeling?

Like you just don't care?

Anybody have any experience they want to share?

3 down....1 left!

CD 7: HSG done!!!!

It feels SO good to write that the HSG is done!

You wouldn't believe how nervous I was!

Or maybe you would....

This procedure had been on my mind non-stop since Sunday.

I've cried more tears than I could count anticipating it.

Last night I didn't sleep at all. Just watched the clock.

By about 5 a.m. I was up and getting sick because my stomach was so nervous.

I arrived to the imaging center in tears and the nurse was so good in talking me through it.

She said never ever google about procedures.

You will only hear the horror stores.

Lesson learned.

Then Dr. Z came in and said I just had to trust him and it really wouldn't be as bad as I had anticipated.

The nurse talked me through the procedure.

First the speculum, cold and pressure.

Then clean the cervix, cold and wet.

Then the cervical clamp (This is the part where women said they got sick, passed out, that it hurt like complete torture.) Me? I didn't feel a thing! Honest! I had to ask if they'd even done it!

Thank you Dr. Z and ibuprofen!

Then the dye was injected via catheter into my cervix. At first I didn't feel anything but after about a minute it felt like strong menstrual cramps. At that time the radiologist began the X-Rays and I said out loud "Ouch! This hurts!" Then he said those magical words, "I'm done!"

Very quickly Dr. Z took out the clamp and catheter and all was right with the world.

He showed me the X-Rays and all is good!

Apparently I have an ever-so-slightly tilted uterus, but no blockages or scarring whatsoever!

I was terrified that the D & C left some scarring...but I am clear!

Did you know your tubes are so twisty? Its weird!

So then I was able to change and go on my merry way!

Dr. Z was right.

He was so gentle and quick.

I asked him about the endometrial biopsy.

He said the pain is very similar but even quicker.

Between the ibuprofen and the valium I know it ll be OK.

So...2 tests down, 2 to go!

Thank you so much for all your prayers! I truly feel the Lord leading me through this entire process!

CD 2: Test 1 done!

So yesterday was the dreaded Cycle Day One.

I nearly cried, because I knew this meant the month from you-know-where.

So I set up all my appointments and today went in for my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork.

The ultrasound showed two healthy ovaries, with no cysts present.

And it appears that ol' lefty will be ovulating this next cycle.

It was weird to see.

And I knew you'd totally want to know all of this. : )

Then the Dr. asked me to come back to his office and he fumbled through his desk, found the vial and the needle and did my blood work right there.

Kinda weird.

But it was all sealed and sterile.

But weird.

So then I went to Target and got a smoothie and enjoyed my morning before I had to go into work.

My next test is the HSG next Wednesday.

I'm pretty nervous as I've heard various reports on the pain level for this test, but the good thing is that is a pretty quick test.

Please pray that for me it will be pain-free!

I'm taking the whole day off for that one, and the appointment is at 7:30 in the morning, so hopefully I'll be able to take it easy the rest of the day!

Sorry for boring you with all the details, but this is my life right now!

Have a great weekend!

The Plan

Well, Mr. Free and I met with our new RE (reproductive endocrinologist) 2 weeks ago, and then I went in for a quick exam last week.

In going over our history and my current medical concerns, the Dr. was very optimistic that at the end of this road we will be holding a healthy baby! As much as I want to believe this, and know that I should be thinking positively, I'm still very skeptical. My heart has just been shatterd this past year, and I'm terrified of getting my hopes up again. For now, I'm just taking life one day at a time.

Anyways, here is the plan for this next cycle:

CD 3: Blood work to check for many factors that could contribute to early miscarriage (blood glucose, thyroid, antibodies, clotting disorders, etc.)

Baseline ultrasound

CD 7: HSG at the hospital: this looks for structural problems in the uterus such a scarring (I'm pretty nervous about this...)

CD 14: Sonogram

CED 26: Endometrial biopsy: This checks the endometrial lining for a luteral phase defect (Not going to lie...I've been terrified of this! I have negotiated and gotten valium out of the deal! Hoping to get some for the HSG too!)

Then after this, the Dr. will look over all results and see if we can come up with a cause for my losses.

If so, we will obviously fix it.

If there isn't a cause, we will proceed trying to conceive as usual for 2 cycles, using OPKs and if no pregnancy or another miscarriage occurs, then we will do laprascopy so he can see inside my uterus to make sure I do not have endometriosis.

Whew.

It's terrifying.

But I'm glad I have support.

And I'm very thankful to have an optimistic doctor.

And an optimistic husband.

Mr. Free and I appreciate all the prayers for us and our journey.

We are praying hard for answers and a healthy baby soon!

P.S. If any of you have experienced any of this testing, for any reason, please let me know how it was! The "unknown" can be so frightening!

Thank You

Thank you so much for the comments, e-mails, facebook messages and prayers.

Mr. Free and I have truly felt the power of prayer.

We have been so blessed by the support we have received from so many people.

An incredibly thoughtful co-worker surprised me with these Wall Words this past week. She thought they were just the message we needed, and I couldn't agree more.

Mr. Free hung it up on our bedroom so that this message of hope will be the last thing we see at night and the first thing we see when we wake up in the morning!

Mr. Free and I will be meeting with a Fertility Specialist tomorrow to begin testing and hopefully diagnosing a problem that has lead to our miscarriages.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared and nervous for what could lie ahead.

As weird as it is, I am also strangely excited.

Mr. Free and I have always felt called to be parents.

We had always had interest in both biological and adopted children.

At this point, we are unsure of which way God is leading us, or whether it will be both!

We are just praying for very clear direction.

I never would have thought that I would be so open about trying to conceive a healthy child, but I pray that my transparency will be nothing but an encouragement to others.

I know I am not alone, and pray that through my openness on the situation and its struggles that I could be a blessing and encouragement to other women experiencing this extremely difficult path.

If you would, please continue to pray for Mr. Free and I as we begin this new path to parenthood tomorrow. Please pray for us to have strength, comfort and peace. Please pray for a clear problem and an easy solution. But most of all, pray for our hearts to be receptive to the path the Lord has planned for us.

I'm here.

Sorry for the unexpected break.

Life has been hard lately.

A little over a week ago, we got a positive pregnancy test.

But, our first few betas weren't doubling like they should.

I've spent the last week researching every glimmer of hope I could in the situation.

Today I started to miscarry.

Our 3rd miscarriage in 6 months.

We are obviously heartbroken and confused.

Today I have just been in a fog thinking through our various options.

Are we ever going to be biological parents?

We have an appointment scheduled in 2 weeks with a reproductive endocrinologist.

We are going to have to go through intensive testing to see why we keep losing our babies.

I pray we get some answers.

And I pray they are an easy fix.

Like most insurances, ours doesn't cover any infertility treatments.

And we really do not have the funds to pursue them.

Or adoption.

I feel like parenthood is out of our reach.

*sigh*

I keep telling myself that I am right where God wants me.

It's hard.

Very hard.

But He is here with me and I am here for a reason.

As much as I want to be a mother right now, if thats not His plan, then I don't want to be anywhere else.

I know God will use us.

I know He *is* using us.

We could really use your prayers.

This is a very dark time for us right now.

And 'success' stories are appreciated as well.

Six Months

It's been six months since I had to write this post.

It's been the hardest six months of my life.

Six months ago today we found out our sweet baby was in Heaven.

I was hoping at this point, I'd be happily expecting again.

But the Lord has had other plans.

The last six months have been so hard.

It is so hard to with every fiber of your being want something so bad, then to get it, and then have it taken away.

I know I am not the only person to ever experience the loss of someone or something they love.

2 months ago, on my birthday I received the best gift I could think of.

A positive pregnancy test.

3 days later, that was gone too.

I feel like my body is broken.

I feel like I'm not good enough.

If God grants 16 year olds precious children, then I surely must not be good enough for Him to grant me a child.

I know in my heart of hearts thats not true, but these are the things that go through my mind every day.

Every.day.

I know I am only viewing eternity from my limited perspective now.

I know God has great plans for Mr. Free and I.

I know God has laid on my heart to minister to other women who have experienced similar events.

I know He has grown me into a stronger woman through these experiences.

I know Mr. Free and I have grown so close over the last 6 months.

I know my God is a good, loving God with the best plan for me imaginable.

But, in my humanity, and my weakness, I am broken.

"Hope deferred makes a heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

Proverbs 13:12

Remembering Our Babies

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day.
It is customary to light a candle on this day to remember all of our lost, loved babies.

I had no idea that I would be honoring this day.

Our story is here, here

and here.

These last 2 months have been an absolute roller coaster of emotions for Mr. Free and I.

I have felt the utmost despair to hope and love.

All in the same day.

Every.single.day.

And that has turned into normal for me.

Not one day goes by that I don't think about the baby we lost.

I think about how I should be 17 weeks pregnant today.

We would've been able to know if we were having a little boy or little girl.

I should've been starting to feel little flutters in my belly.

Instead I am sad.

I want my baby back so bad.

I want to hold them.

It hurts my heart.

I feel like I am living in two different worlds at the same time.

I am going through the motions of my normal day, yet I am thinking about what could've been.

However, every day I get a little more hope for what's to come.

I know God is in control.

I know this is somehow part of His plan.

Even though I truly can't understand it at this point.

But even though losing our baby has been the hardest thing I've gone through, if it's part of God's plan for my life, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

I have experienced the loss of my dad and grandparents.

I have experienced the sorrow of a chronic disease.

This is by the far the loneliest thing I have experienced.

Many people do not know the pain of losing your unborn child.

If they have, they often don't want to talk about it.

For some reason it's taboo.

I want to change that.

Mothers who have lost their babies need to be there to support one another.

These verses have really spoken to me through out this whole process

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comfortus us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any afflication, with the comfort with which we oursevles are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

I pray that God uses me as a tool to minister to other hurting mothers out there.

Please say a little prayer for all the hurting mothers out there. Pray that God will comfort them and give them an incredible peace. Pray that God will bless them with healthy children in His time. Pray for our contenment as we wait on His perfect timing.

As a rememberance, Mr. Free and I still have the video of us the day we found out we were pregnant. We were so excited and thrilled for our new bundle set to arrive March 25, 2011.

We also have the video Mr. Free took at our first ultrasound.

We got to see our then healthy, heart-beating little baby.

We were so incredibly happy.

We also have every congratulations card.

We now also have every sympathy card we have been given as well.

We don't want to forget this baby.

This was our first child.

Baby Free,

Mommy and Daddy miss you every single day.

We love you so much.

We will see you again in a little while.

Love, Mommy and Daddy

On a personal note....

My life seems out of control.

Allow me to share.

About 6 months ago I prayed this prayer:

Lord, please don't let my life go according to my plan. I desire at the end of my life to look back and see how the journey was not how I would have chosen, but it was glorious. I truly saw God work through all the twists and turns.

Boy has that prayer come true.

I am a planner.

A huge planner.

And thus far, aside from a couple things, my life has gone exactly how I'd planned it.

But that worried me.

I didn't want to be an old lady and think Yes, Life went just how I'd planned. How would God be glorified through that? How many blessings would I have missed that way?

These past 6 months have sure taken my plans and through them through out the window.

My plans?

Get pregnant last July, have baby in March.

Have Mr. Free finish school, sub for a while and maybe get a job.

Other than that? Same ol' same ol'.

What has happened?

Well, indeed I did get pregant last July but that baby was only meant to be with us for a brief moment. No nursery to get ready by March after all.

We now have an 18 year old boy living with us. We are helping him get on his feet and have the skills necessary for independence.

Mr. Free is finishing school in December and already has a lead on a job.

I can truly say that life is not going as planned.

I know I am just in the midst of one of the twists in the road, but I am completely overwhelmed.

I am grieving the loss of our child.

I am blessed by the opportunity to help a fellow brother in Christ.

I am grateful for the career opportunity for Mr. Free.

I know everything that happens is for my good and His glory.

It's just really hard for a planner to completely let go.

And that's what I've done.

Every day has been incredibly hard.

I just have to let go and give it all to Him.

He loves me so much and has such a great plan for me, why wouldn't I give it all to Him?

He knows my heart is aching yet rejoicing at the same time.

And that is hard.

He knows that and is working it all for good.

My heart aches to be a mom.

I want it so bad.

But I have to let that go and understand that God may not have that planned for me.

And I have to be OK with that.

Sorry for the rambling... it's just been a really hard week yet I am hopeful and at peace resting my life in His hands.

I pray everyone has an incredibly blessed weekend.

Hug those you love a little tigher. : )

Back to your regularly scheduled, more light-hearted postings....

The Lord gave and the Lord takes way

Blessed be the name of the Lord!

Job 1:21

The ultrasound showed the baby was already gone and my body is starting the process of starting a new.

I will probably have a D & C Friday morning.

I am terrified.

I have never had any surgery before and never wanted to be put under.

I'm afraid I won't wake up.

Which is silly, but really what terrifies me.

If anyone has some encouraging words about the procedure I would greatly appreciate it.

And readers, I hope to return to some more uplifting content soon.

Thank you again for all your prayers.

At 4:30 today...

we will have an ultrasound to see our little one and decide what to do.

I'm not convinced it is over, but preparing that it is.

We will see if their is a heartbeat then see the next step.

God is a God of miracles and we are sure praying for one.

We appreciate your prayers too.

But through this all, God is good despite the outcome of our little one.

We pray that He is glorified whether it is through our miraculous child, or the incredible peace we receive in losing our baby.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and prayers. You all are wonderful.

An Update

What a nightmare the last 24 hours have been.

I woke up early this morning mentally going back through my Dr.'s appointment.

Here is the play by play.

Nurse comes in to try and use the doppler to hear the heart beat. (I am supposed to be nine weeks). She tells me they normally can't hear it until 10, but try at 9 for a bonus.

She can't find it.

The Dr. comes in to try it out. She searches for awhile and every once in awhile hears a heartbeat, but then checks my pulse and says its just me. Then she said, "This one is not you though....let me get another doppler with less static because you need to appreciate this."

She gets the other doppler and can't find it. She said, " The baby wins, lets go take a look at it."

We go in and attempt a traditional ultrasound. She said it's a bit early, so it may not work. She starts in and says my uterus is really tilted and can't see anything. She decides to do a vaginal ultrasound.

When she starts in on the vaginal she remarks and how far back my uterus is tilted. She finds the baby and comments at how it's the same size as last time and the yolk sac is large. The yolk sac is measuring at 9 weeks, but the baby at 6.

She has a tech come in to check. The tech was super quick, barely looked and just said, " Yup, baby small, yolk sac big."

My Dr. then tells me it looks like I lost the baby a couple of weeks ago and that I need to make the decision to miscarry naturally, take medication to induce it or to have a D & C.

They never mentioned if they saw the heartbeat flicker on the ultrasound. They didn't really zoom in on the baby like the tech did at my 6 week appointment.

I'm just confused as I think of all of this.

As I've been reading online, people report having a tilted uterus can cause your baby to measure a couple of weeks behind.

I'm preparing myself that this baby is already in Heaven, but I PRAY for complete clarity.

Right now I just don't feel confident enough to schedule a D & C.

I'm going to call my Dr. this morning and see if I can schedule another ultrasound next week to confirm things before I make my decision.

If anyone has been in a similar situation and could offer some insight, that would be greatly appreciated.

I'm really trying not to get my hopes up, but I want to make sure I make the right decision.

We really need your prayers.

So, I've been pretty absent lately.

In July, we found out we were expecting.

I was waiting until the 2nd trimester to let the whole world know.

I hadn't been feeling well and every home project I wanted to do revolved around the baby.

So I hadn't been posting.

Today we found out we lost the baby.

They just hadn't grown since our last appointment.

Mr. Free and I were really excited to welcome a new little one into our family.

But apparently it wasn't God's time yet.

We know our little baby is in Heaven with their Grandpa right now.

I've always vowed to be real on here

I feel like I should share this incredibly painful time with others, rather than bottling it up.

I pray through all of this, God is glorified and Mr. Free and I can help others.

I know we are not even close to the only people who have experienced this kind of a loss.

It's still just really hard.

We pray that God will grant us healthy children in His time.

In the meantime, we pray for healing and contentment.

We greatly appreciate your prayers, words of encouragement and wisdom as we deal with this.