Thankful

Today is Pregnancy & Baby Loss Remembrance Day.

A day I wish didn't exist.

I wish every positive pregnancy test ensured a healthy baby.

That pregnancy would be full of joy and anticipation.

That all baby's are born healthy and get to live a happy life.

But many of us know the cruel reality.

The dropping HCG levels.

The silent face of the technician during a sonogram.

The many heavy decisions to make.

The calls of telling loved ones the terrible news.

The sleepless night sobbing and wondering what could've been.

The feeling of helplessness.

The disappointment in your own body.

The surgeries.

The doctor's appointments.

The tucking away of cute baby things that bring too much sorrow to look at.

I also know we have a loving God. A Father who loves us.

That we do not know the plans He has for us. And for our children as well.

The year that we lost 3 pregnancies and underwent infertility testing and treatments were the darkest months I have yet to encounter.

I felt so alone. So isolated.

I felt incredible sorrow and jealousy.

I felt doubt and confusion.

But through it all...though I did not understand, I knew God was good and He had a plan.

That was my rock that kept me going.

It's been nearly 3 years since that very dark time.

The Lord has since blessed me with my sweet little boy.

I am thankful each and every day to have experienced a healthy pregnancy and getting to mother my son.

Motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

It has grown me in so many ways.

I am not the same woman I was prior.

But I am thankful.

I am thankful that no matter where my life would be now,

whether I would still have empty arms and a broken heart,

or a home full of children.

My God is good.

And for that I am thankful.