My life seems out of control.
Allow me to share.
About 6 months ago I prayed this prayer:
Lord, please don't let my life go according to my plan. I desire at the end of my life to look back and see how the journey was not how I would have chosen, but it was glorious. I truly saw God work through all the twists and turns.
Boy has that prayer come true.
I am a planner.
A huge planner.
And thus far, aside from a couple things, my life has gone exactly how I'd planned it.
But that worried me.
I didn't want to be an old lady and think Yes, Life went just how I'd planned. How would God be glorified through that? How many blessings would I have missed that way?
These past 6 months have sure taken my plans and through them through out the window.
My plans?
Get pregnant last July, have baby in March.
Have Mr. Free finish school, sub for a while and maybe get a job.
Other than that? Same ol' same ol'.
What has happened?
Well, indeed I did get pregant last July but that baby was only meant to be with us for a brief moment. No nursery to get ready by March after all.
We now have an 18 year old boy living with us. We are helping him get on his feet and have the skills necessary for independence.
Mr. Free is finishing school in December and already has a lead on a job.
I can truly say that life is not going as planned.
I know I am just in the midst of one of the twists in the road, but I am completely overwhelmed.
I am grieving the loss of our child.
I am blessed by the opportunity to help a fellow brother in Christ.
I am grateful for the career opportunity for Mr. Free.
I know everything that happens is for my good and His glory.
It's just really hard for a planner to completely let go.
And that's what I've done.
Every day has been incredibly hard.
I just have to let go and give it all to Him.
He loves me so much and has such a great plan for me, why wouldn't I give it all to Him?
He knows my heart is aching yet rejoicing at the same time.
And that is hard.
He knows that and is working it all for good.
My heart aches to be a mom.
I want it so bad.
But I have to let that go and understand that God may not have that planned for me.
And I have to be OK with that.
Sorry for the rambling... it's just been a really hard week yet I am hopeful and at peace resting my life in His hands.
I pray everyone has an incredibly blessed weekend.
Hug those you love a little tigher. : )
Back to your regularly scheduled, more light-hearted postings....
be strong and everything will work out :)
ReplyDeleteJust remember that God always knows how you feel. He knows what you want, when you want it. It's hard for us to remember that He really does know best, but keep in mind that He will give you things more satisfying to you than your plans. Keep your head up!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the transparency, Jenny. It's such a privilege to have a little window into your heart. I didn't know about your pregnancy, I'm so sorry for the hurt and loss you're working through. God's plan and timing can seem so crazy to us sometimes... seems totally incomprehensible to me on most days... including today. =P heh Anyway, I appreciate your open heart, it's truly a blessing to read about your heart as you rejoice through your sorrows and hopes...
ReplyDeleteGiving things up to God is a battle I struggle with now and again. It seems the tug of war happens most when the pain is the deepest. But, when I let go, peace pours over me and blessings are bountiful. Let yourself grieve and know that God is taking care of your broken heart. Peace will come.
ReplyDeleteThat was beautifully and so honestly written. I know it's hard, but keep faith. God always know what He is doing, even we can't imagine how things will turn out.
ReplyDeleteI will keep you in my prayers. *hugs*
Thank you so much ladies...your words and prayers are so encouraging. This road has been rough but I've vowed to be honest about the journey and try with all my power to praise God and glorify Him through it all.
ReplyDeleteI just read this beautiful post. After your miscarriage we thought a while about how we almost lost our little one at birth. That was the scariest moment of my life, having her so close and being so connected and then truly allowing God to take her away if it was His will. Praise Him for his great mercies that were showered on us that day. I am so grateful for your post. Your spirit is encouraging and your grief is like a hymn to the Father! It is so hard to understand where it all leads in the end and how it shows His glory! You have such a great attitude about the gifts you have been given and an amazing patience for what you are waiting for. I will never forget when you were dying to get married and had to wait on the Lord as you watched those around you begin on that journey. Your wedding was BEAUTIFUL and well worth the wait. You have your high school sweetheart as your best friend, confidant, and dearest husband-what a testimony to waiting on the Lord and how that has given you such a pouring of grace from above. It shows! We are praying for you and cannot express enough comfort and love to you!
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